Here....

Wow.  I literally posted 3 times in 2016.  THREE TIMES!

I'm honestly amazed that I could still log in, and that my blog was still here.

It's 2017 now.  It was a bit of a tumultuous 2016.  I'm not going to go on about how it sucked or anything because there were good times and bad, plain and simple.  2016 was, and not it is not.

And I wanted to talk about something.  As you know, I have been working on my weight loss for some time.  I've been a Weight Watcher for a little over 5 years now.  I haven't reached my goal yet, which is my own fault.

I read something recently that a man incentivized himself to give him a better reason to hit his weight loss goals.  This struck home for me because the only thing that I have to look forward to is continued watching what I eat, exercising, decisions, etc.  I mean, it's a different lifestyle and it's really not anything I can imagine too well, let alone, use it to push me toward my goals.

So, I made a list. I made a list of all the things I want, whether they are things, activities, self help, I listed them.  I then used that list to turn into an incentive program for my weight loss.  To help me work hard to reach my weight loss goal.

The list of what I want is mostly as follows:

I want to travel - to Europe and new places in general.

I want to feel healthy.

I want to volunteer.

I want to stand up for rights.

I want to be involved.

I want to be the best mom possible.

I want to hang out with my husband and have date nights.

I want to be around extended family more.

I want to feel less overwhelmed.

I want to fix up my house.

I want to feel like I am making a difference.

I want to take more pictures - good pictures.

I want to write again (ahem).

I want to feel valued.

I want to hit goal at WW.

I want to feel pretty and strong - confident.

I want to find a therapist.

This is many wants, and I don't have enough goals to use all of these.  And really, I don't need to wait until I hit certain goals to volunteer, see family, feel less overwhelmed.  Some of these are going to drive out goal lists of their own.

However, I did take some of these and turn them into incentives for myself:

By the end of 2017,  I want to weigh between 145 and 150 pounds.

I want to hit 145 pounds so that I can officially say that I have lost 100 pounds.

By July 29, if I weight between 145 and 150, I will reward myself by planning a European (Ireland, Scotland, England) Vacation.

If I lose 1/2 a pound or more per week, I will take $10 and put it aside for myself - for use however and whenever I like.

If I lose 5 pounds a month, I will take my husband on a date night.

If I have lost and can maintain 145 to 150 pounds by the end of the year, I will get another tattoo.

Do you have ways that you incentivize or motivate yourself to accomplishments?

Because I can...

Staying at home has been more stressful than anticipated.  Not that my kids are too crazy (although, they are a bit nuts), or that I've set myself up to do too much (I have been doing a lot), but it's the food that stresses me out.  Seriously.  

I love food.  Food is my favorite.  But, it makes my jeans tighter.  It makes my muffin top fluffier.  It comforts me and stresses me out all in one.  It makes me question my willpower.  It makes me question my determination.  It makes me give up on myself.

I have a good routine when I am working.  I have a good routine when I am on vacation.  But, put me at home for a week, with holidays built around eating, and I lose it.  I lose my drive to exercise.  I'm tired.  I overeat.  I can't relax.  I beat myself up for all of my choices.

I want to sit, and binge watch NCIS.  And also to not feel bad about that decision.

I want to eat only when I'm hungry.  I want to make good choices about the food that is in my mouth. But, one bad decision can send me on a spiral of bad decisions.

I have tools to help me with these decisions, good and bad.  I am able to stop and track my food.  I can exercise while watching NCIS (thank you Netflix and a treadmill).  I can move the food to the bottom shelves of the fridge, so I don't eat them first.  I can distract myself from eating by losing myself in other tasks.  I can write about what is actually stressing me out.

The holidays stress me out.  Family.  Shopping.  Cooking.  Working. Activities.  Animals.  Projects.  All that have a non-moveable deadline.

And, the weather has changed.  I'm inside more.  It's cold outside.  It's raining or snowing or cloudy or foggy.  The sun is out when it's even colder.  I gain weight every year between January and April.  For some reason, these are the worst months for me.  

I have a tool.  I am aware.  I can work on this.  I can make better decisions.  I can stop feeling victimized by food and stress.  I can make the decision to not feel bad about the decisions I make.  I can sit and enjoy some binge watching and eat a salad or an apple.  I can run or walk on the treadmill, or use one of the many exercise videos I have.  I can take the dog for a walk - even when it's cold because being outdoors everyday will make me happy.

Today is a new day.  I will feel better about myself today.  I will move the leftovers from Thanksgiving to the dark bottom shelf of the fridge.  I will move the ice cream to the back bottom of the freezer.  I will throw away the store bought cookies.  I will write down a plan for food today and stick to it.  And I will distract myself with cleaning and re-organizing kitchen cabinets.  I will find a way to exercise today.  And I will go outside in the cold and rain and walk the dog.

Because I am strong.  Because I make the decisions that can adjust my destiny.  Because I can.

My clouded vision....

In my Weight Watchers meeting, the other day, we were asked to think about making vision boards.  Basically, what we envisioned the future to look like, hitting our goals.  So, naturally, being against writing down goals, I skipped the next meeting so that I wouldn't have to build a vision board.  I probably shouldn't have skipped the meeting, but, I was at a loss.

I'm not sure what I want to happen.  I'm not sure I can envision hitting my weight loss goal.  I can't foresee what I will look like (really - that much different than today?).  I've been thinking about this, and letting it play in my mind.  Some of the things that I've come up with are:

1. Less tummy rolls when I sit.  I can wear a fitted shirt, but I see the rolls in pictures, in store windows.  I feel the uncomfortableness when I sit and have to pull the waist of my jeans up and over my rolls, at least so some of them can be hidden.  I see the belly in the jeans when I look down when I'm reading.  If I make it to my weight loss goals, will that be gone?  Or just smaller?

2. I overeat.  A lot.  Especially when I'm at home all week, with a small child that is not sleeping at night and is going through Tylenol/Advil withdrawal.  When things are happening beyond my control.  When the food is just nearby.  When I sit on the couch to read.  My body says it's full, but my mind sees this as a challenge.  How much can we eat?  So, if I hit my weight loss goals, does this mean that I will have learned how to stop over eating?  Will I stop craving chips?  Will I stop thinking about food as much as men think about sex?

3.  Then, there are the after effects of eating too much.  If I hit my weight loss goal, and I overeat, will I still feel the shame of overeating?  Will I ever get over the shame I feel for the way I eat?  Or the shame I feel for the way I look?  I'm not perfect, why do I feel like I have to look perfect?  Why do I look on my daughter with shame, like the way that she looks is a reflection of my poor parenting?  Do other mother's feel the same shame?  When your kids ask you to eat pretzels, or popcorn, ice cream, doughnuts, do you immediately tell them no?  Do you emphasize that these are treats and shouldn't be eaten all the time?  Do you let yourself have treats - without shame?

4. I hear people talking about how you won't be happy when your skinny, if you're not happy now.  Weight loss won't make you happy.  But, will it make me more confident?  I've lost 80 lbs, and I feel no more confident now than I did before.  If anything, I feel less confident.  Maybe because I'm closer to my goal now, so that when I see that I'm not there yet (store windows, mirrors, pictures), it's more of a blow to my self-image than it was before I got to where I am now.  Will I just find something else to obsess about?  Gray hairs? Wrinkles? 

I guess I'm still working through what I would put in my vision board. It looks like I have some questions to answer.  Maybe in finding these answers, I can find my vision.

Reworking my goals...

I have had a long time to mull this over, to try different things, like well over a year, I'm talking.  More than enough time for some things to get through the thickness that is my skull.

I set myself a goal recently.  My goal is to lose 1 lb a week, until I reach my goal.  AND.  I am determined to reach that goal this year.  For the past 2 years or so, I've been maintaining - gaining a little, losing some, gaining it back, losing it, etc.

This has been going on for about 2 years.  You can imagine that the non-movement of the (literal) needle on my scale is... frustrating... to say the least.

I have tried different things (eat more, eat less, less carbs, more veggies, more exercise, less exercise, some treats, no treats, blah, blah, blah).  These changes have all gotten me to a place that I can maintain.  A place that I stress so much less over my weight loss and the scale.  And, I am not looking to change that, to start stressing again.

What occurred to me, recently, was that I focus so much on the exercise, on being more active, because that was easy for me.  I've always been athletic, and I know that practice and diligence and hard work and a little push and determination will go far when it comes to physical activity.

Now, I need to apply that same diligence, hard work, practice, determination and little pushes to my eating habits.

I give myself too many passes on my eating.  I am an emotional, stress, binge, mindless over-eater.  I know what I am doing when I over-eat, when I binge, and I still let it happen.

I'm not thinking that I can just stop it.  Or somehow exert control over this.  If I could control these habits and behaviors, I would never have gotten to over 250 lbs.  First, I want to identify the things that I let get out of control.  Then, I want to learn how to take myself away from the temptation and refocus my mind on something else; distract the craving.

Some of the habits I can already identify are:

1. Eating off my kids plates.  I always think bites don't count.  They do count.  And I don't need their food anyway.

2. Binging at home.  The return of the bottomless pit.  I need to find a way to distract from this, to get out of the situation.

3. Eating while reading or watching TV.  The problem with this habit is that it would be really nice to distract myself with books or TV (without eating at the same time).

I'm sure more habits will be identified, but I think I have a good start.

C'mon eating habits - we're going to get in shape!

I'm a runner...

Today, on my run, it occurred to me.  

I'm a runner.  

Wait. What?

Weird, right?  I never would have thought that of myself.  Seriously!  I've been running for about a year a half, closing in on two years.  It started with walking.  Lots of walking.  Then, slowly, working my way up on the treadmill to add some running.  Then, setting some goals for myself and beginning to run outside.  I've gotten to a point that a normal everyday run is about 2 to 2.5 miles.  This may not seem like a 'runner' to you.  But,

I am a runner.

I run slow.

I run long.

I push myself to leave my house, my work, my hotel to run.

I run.

I ran today and had a personal best time.  1 mile in 11 minutes, 38 seconds.  Whew!  That is not a fast mile.  But...it's the fastest one I've ever run.

I had a running goal this year to run 500 miles.  At last count, I am be nearing 140 miles on the year.  I'll adjust my goal to be 200 miles this year.  This year I learned that I can push my body so hard that eventually, my body will trump my mind and will no longer agree to run.  I learned what it feels like to be dehydrated.  I learned what it feels like to run when it's hot, when it's cold, when it's windy.  Uphill.  Downhill.  Straightaway.  I learned what it feels like to be left behind (see, slow).  I learned what it's like to accomplish a goal (first 5K).

I am a runner.

I've learned that I like running.  Running gets me away from my family, away from the stress I put on myself, off of my couch or butt.  Running gives me the energy I need to continue the rest of the day and tires me out enough to sleep deeply and soundly on an almost nightly basis.

I am a runner.

When I first started losing weight, my goal was to be able to run 30 minutes a day.  I actually do this now.  I need to find a new goal now.  I am a little frightened of the half marathon.  I may decide to train for a 10 K first.  Or, I may kick that "fright" in the mouth and start training for a half marathon.  I'm not sure yet.  I'll figure it out because,

I am a runner.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was inspired a couple of years ago by this girl.  Greta here was running (please read this sentence in Forest Gump's voice - that's how I hear it in my head).  She ran so many 5K's that my head was literally spinning while reading about her. She ran 13 5K's one year.  She's run half marathons.  She has four kids (oh yeah - you read that right - 4).  And yet, she still has found time to run.  What excuse did I have?  2 kids?  A helpful supportive husband?  All I really needed was some better fitting workout clothes since I'd just found my inspiration and had a direction for my motivation.

I had the pleasure of meeting Greta a little more than a week ago.  She and I found quite a bit in common, as we sat and chatted for about 2 and half hours.  And we didn't talk about running.  Funny.  I guess I can look forward to her inspiring me even more with running, among many other things.

P.s. Thank you Greta for suggesting the picture, because I totally would have forgotten and then been angry at myself on the way home for forgetting.  And thank you Tony for taking the pictures.

Landscapes of emotion....

I've been posting a whole lot of pictures lately.  On Instagram (I could probably post more), on Facebook, and especially on here.  I've really been overwhelming you with the visuals, from Project 365 and our vacation pictures.

Well, I've been wanting to write more.  But, I spent most of the first part of the year spiralling into a shame cycle, depression, or just general funk.  It's whatever you want to call it.

Let's just say that the Holiday's were stressful for me.  We had family at our house, even had Christmas Dinner at our house.  All this conspires to really stress me out.  But, you'd think, that after all that was over, I'd start to feel better.  

I didn't.

I actually got sick.  Tried to focus on my goals for the year.  Was running as much as I could.  But, I had been fighting a plateau with my weight loss for close to a year now.  I have also been trying to figure out my own emotions within some of my relationships.  I have been emotionally knotted about this for quite some time, and really, that's all I'll say about that on this blog.  It's not really something that is for public consumption.  I only mention it because of how it weighs on me, and is something I continue every day to work through.  On top of all of this, we had this horrible, awful, long, cold, snowy winter.  If you know me, you know how much I hate the cold and the snow and the short days.  And I got sick again.

I was tired.  I was angry.  I was fed up.  I was frustrated.

All of this conspired to push me into what I call a shame cycle.  Why a shame cycle?  Because I started to feel ashamed.  Ashamed of the decisions I was making.  Ashamed of the exercise I could no longer do. Ashamed that my weight started to go up.  I didn't want to talk about it.  I was hiding inside myself.  I wouldn't go to WW meetings.  I got more than one post card about being missed.

But then, I made it a point to go to a meeting.  A meeting where I was able to open up, a little about the frustrations I was having.  And I started to feel better.  And then the weather started to change, and daylight savings happened, and the snow melted, and the grass has turned to green again.  And I am feeling better.  So much so that I wanted to talk about the last three months.

I really felt alone the last few months.  Mostly, I withdrew inside myself, but it was lonely.  I could no longer exercise.  Why?  I really don't know.  All I can tell you is that my body no longer agreed to running, or walking.  My body only wanted to sit.  And my mind was not able to argue and convince my body to keep going.  I would try almost every day.  I would put on my clothes, and I would push myself to a treadmill, and I would get on it.  Some days, I could run a mile before I had to stop.  Other days, I wouldn't even be able to finish my 10 minute warm up walk.  Exercise had become my outlet. I set myself a goal to run 500 miles this year.  And now, my body had decided that this no longer mattered.  Without the exercise that I had been getting, my sleep cycles started to go off.  Now, I was no longer sleeping well.  And my eating became worse.  I wasn't watching as well as I should, and keeping track of what I was eating, and I was not making good eating decisions.  All of this conspired to make me feel ashamed.  And it didn't stop there.  I think my family felt this from me too.  This pulling into myself.  I know that for a long time Olivia has thought that I like Mia better than her.  This is mostly because Olivia and I are very much alike.  Both of us are independent.  Neither are cuddlers.  We are not always comfortable with showing our affection.  But, Mia is not like that.  Mia demands affection.  Mia has to sit on laps, and kiss and hug and tell you how much she loves you.  I started to feel guilty every time I would respond to Mia's affection, because I could see that Olivia was wondering why she didn't get the same affection.  And I could see the resentment.  I started pushing Mia away more so that I wouldn't feel guilty when Olivia would look at us with all the emotion behind her eyes.

And then, one day, literally, when I talked about my frustrations, I started to feel better, little bits, every day.  I really got to the point that I could no longer hold it in.  The shame.  The confusion.  The need to ask for someone to help me figure out what was in my head and why I couldn't seem to get past it. I talked about it one day.  Then I talked about it more and more and the more I talked about it, the less ashamed I felt.

I see my life as an opportunity  to learn.  Here is what I have learned over the past few months, about myself.

1. I read something on Facebook that said that when you hug a child, let them be the one to break the embrace.  This way, they feel more secure in your affection.  I decided to try this out.  I made it a point to push past the uncomfortableness of being affectionate with Olivia.  I made it a point to reach out to her, and hug her, and kiss her and tell her how much I love her.  Has it changed anything?  Well, she's still as Olivia as ever.  But, I see more confidence in her.  I see less resentment towards Mia, but more competition.  I see her being a bit more free with her affection too, like I'm not the only one who's trying.

2.  I decided to listen to my body more.  I decided that I wouldn't beat myself up because my body was tired.  Or hungry.  I decided that I would give myself more daily points on WW, this way I wouldn't feel guilty about dipping into the extra weekly points.  And I decided to change up when I would eat, making it a point to eat about 30 minutes before a workout.  I'm not eating a full meal, but I'll have a Greek yogurt to help fuel my workout and ensure that I'm not hungry when I workout.  The benefits?  Well, I've lost the extra weight I had put on, which means I'm back to my plateau.  But, I've also started to run again.  And this past week, I got about 8 miles in.  Which is AWESOME compared to the 1 or less that I had been getting in.  I have less than 80 miles under my belt for the year, which means I most likely won't make my 500 mile goal.  That's OK.  Because, no matter what, as long as I'm running, I'm doing something good for me.  And, I'm tracking my miles to see just how many I get done this year.  Also, the good thing about letting go of this need to exercise, this compulsion, is that I'm able to go out with Olivia and help her start to train herself into better shape.  Now I'm able to let go of what I want from a workout and know that the point is that I get to be with Olivia, sharing something that I like with her, knowing that she's getting some activity in.  While I may not get the 3 miles I wanted, I'm still getting some activity and I'm not sitting on my couch.

3.  I learned that every year after Christmas and until daylight savings is a hard time of year for me.  I get seasonally depressed with little to look forward to during these months.  But, amazingly enough, every year, the time passes and Spring comes along and I am caught by the beauty of the changing world again.  Knowing this gives me a chance to prepare for next year.  If I know that those three months are going to be difficult, I can start to figure out other ways to deal with the emotions and heaviness of those months.  Hopefully in much more productive ways that make me feel good about myself and can keep me from becoming Hermit Tara.

I'm still really frustrated with my weight loss plateau.  Over the past 3 months or so, I've started to see myself differently too.  In November, and December, I was happy with the way I looked.  I was happy to see pictures of myself.  I believed other people when they said it was hard to believe I still needed to lose 30 pounds.  Now, I see the old me again.  I see a fat girl that is bigger than she should be.  I see a girl with a jiggly muffin top.  Even though my jeans are getting bigger again, and my shirts are getting looser, I'm still seeing that fat girl.  Maybe it's what I need to push me to the change I need to make to get off this plateau, but I will be damn happy when I can see myself in a picture again and not feel like I'm still too big.  Again, trying to take what I've learned about myself, I am not beating myself up, but am trying new things, trying to change my routines up, to see what I can do to push me off this plateau.

As the spring gets warmer, and the summer sun starts beating down on us, I plan to continue to learn about myself and my habits.  I plan to be cognizant of my emotional despair from January through March.  I am planning to try new ways to work through next years emotional valley, to hopefully get a little less lost on the way to spring.

It's worth it to keep working at it...

It's been a long time since I've written about my weight loss.  As you may or may not remember, I've been on Weight Watchers since September of 2011.  I have lost a total of 77 pounds.

Right now, I'm up a couple of pounds.  I know this is a normal part of weight loss.  The ups, the downs.

It gets so hard sometimes.  You work so hard, you say no to those chips that you want.  You do not walk past the chip aisle at the grocery store.  You wish you had some queso dip.  Or ice cream.  Or fatty meats.  Whatever your vice is.

And sometimes, it does no good.  Sometimes it takes weeks to see that meager difference in the scale.  It doesn't matter that you work out.  It still will not show for a week or two.

But...

After that week or two, if you can stay on track, you can see a difference.  It'll be big in the beginning, because you need to see that difference, and quickly so that you keep that motivation.  Once you get closer to your goal, it gets harder.  You have to step up your game.  You work harder.  Not that you're hungrier, but that when you get hungry, you have less of a margin of error for making bad choices.

In the beginning, when you make that choice, and you eat chips, or ice cream, or pastry, or chocolate, you still lose.  And you can still lose big, dependent on how differently you are eating now, compared to how you were eating before.

And you are working out now.  Working out harder than ever before.  You know those workouts?  They can make the scale go up.  The muscles you build take up less space at the same weight as the fat you had.  And, you may retain water as your muscles heal themselves.  So, the harder you work out, the more hyped up you get, thinking that you'll see a bigger drop in the scale.  That hasn't been my experience.  Although, in this past year, I've dropped 4 sizes and only 10 lbs. If you didn't catch that, it was 4 sizes and 10 lbs.

So, now.  Now that you are closer to your goal. Now that you work out more than ever before.  Now that you have been eating healthier for years.  Now, the changes you make to your eating and routines are smaller, the losses are smaller.

It's ok.

No, really.  It's ok.

Why you ask?  Because it's still worth it.

You tell me which of these two ladies looks happier:

October 2010, Halloween (I was librarian - creative right?)

Taken 11-4-2013, the day the Bears beat the Packers.

Hang in there.  Keep working at it.  Try different things to get different results.  Seriously.  If I can do it, anyone can do it.  It takes a choice and a determination to follow through on the choice and a willingness to try different changes to get results.

Opinions welcome...

Seriously?  Someone tell me life slows down when you get older. Please?

No?  Crap.

Life has been busy around here.  End of school.  End of dance class.  Start of summer camp.  Mother's Day, Father's Day, Memorial Day, Olivia's birthday, Sit on your butt day.  That's not a day?  It totally should be.

Trials and tribulations of change...

I'm sorry peoples.  I've been neglecting you, neglecting this blog, neglecting myself.  I could follow in Milli Vanilli's footsteps and blame it on the rain.  Or, I could blame it on nicer weather.  Or just that I haven't felt like there was a whole lot for me to write about.  

But that's not true.  There is always something to write about.  So, I'm trying to get back to it, forgive me if I go astray (another lyric quote).

I wrote a few posts back about being frustrated in my weight loss.  I still get frustrated - and jealous.  I am so jealous of some of the other people at Weight Watchers.  The ones that seem to lose every week, and never seem to have any issue.  It's like the women that had no morning sickness with their pregnancies, or move really quickly through labor.  These women are just not me.  I had guerrilla vomiting morning sickness that lasted until I after I was home with my baby.  I had a horrible long labor that ended with an emergency section.  And, I am not one of those women that can sneeze and drop 4 lbs.

So, this is my life - not theirs.  I have to work hard to lose weight.  And even when I work hard, I may not lose like I want to.

This past weekend, I went to my meeting and was not happy.  I had gained 1.8 lbs.  At first, I focused on this.  I was seriously frustrated and getting depressed.  Plus, I had worked really hard this past week, and you know, it just made me mad to have a gain.

But, there is something else that happened last week.  I ran 7.5 miles last week, total!!!  This is a huge accomplishment for me.  I also ran 4 days in a row!!  I do a workout that includes 20 minutes of running, and in that 20 mins, I can run 1.5 miles.  Yes, it's slow.  But that doesn't matter, because I couldn't do that 3 months ago - and now I can!

Seriously, I am so proud of myself.  I'm focusing on the good things my body can do, and will continue to do.  So I gained 1.8 lbs.  So what?  I've also lost a total of 70.2 lbs.  Sooner or later I will make the scale my bitch friend.

My ring doesn't fit so hot any more.  Some days I worry that it will just fall out when I have my hand out the window while driving.  So, I move it to my middle finger, where it fits surprisingly well.

Body Image Thoughts...

I have been freaking out lately.  I'm stuck at a plateau in my weight loss.  I had almost hit 70 lbs off - I only had .8 more pounds to go.  Then, Easter hit.  I OD'd on ham, and gained 5 lbs.  Somehow, I gained 5 lbs over the course of about 2 days.  My friends cite sodium, water retention, etc.

I don't know.  I'm still not able to lose that weight.  I've only been to one meeting over the past few weeks.  I'm not ashamed of myself or how I've been eating.  I'm pissed off at the other people there that are losing and celebrating that.  That's right!  Yes, on some level I'm happy for them.  But on a much closer level, I'm jealous.  I'm angry that it's not me.  I'm angry that I'm not figuring out why I can't seem to lose this weight.  I'm angry that I am working out quite a bit but somehow am not able to get over this hump.

This is stressing me out.  I'm not sleeping real well.  I'm constantly worrying about what I am going to eat and when.  Did I get enough vegetables? Water? etc.  Then you add to other things that are stressing me out, and I'm about ready to give up.

No.  Not give up on weight loss.  I'm too flippin' close to my goal.  I'm about 40 lbs away.  That's it.  I want it gone.  However, I am ready to give up on everything else.  Just crawl into a corner until I can figure things out.

And, I figured out something.  I don't feel good about myself right now.  Normally, I feel good about myself.  I enjoy making myself look pretty.  I like to have good hair days.  I like to feel like I look good, to take some measure of pleasure from my appearance.  But you know what?  My thighs are still too big.  My legs in general are big.  And, my belly?  And that lovely after-pregnancy-plus-I-weigh-too-much overhang?  What the hell am I going to do about that?  I have a muffin top in my workout clothes.  This is ridiculous.  I've lost close to 70 lbs, and I still am fighting belly/thigh/upper arm issues.

Will I ever feel like I look good enough?  When my friends talk about how they feel about their bodies, I generally try to make them feel better.  But now, I worry about them too.  Is this really how they see themselves?  How come I can see them as the beautiful, smart, strong women they are?  How come I love the difference in their bodies versus mine?  I'm so jealous of some of the things they hate about themselves.  But truly, if they see themselves they way that they talk about (my booty's too big, my legs are too big, I look like I'm pregnant, my arms flab all over) and I can't convince them of how I see them, is there any chance that I will truly be happy with my body?  Will I continue to complain and talk about how I look?  Or someday, when I'm down to my goal weight (and I WILL BE), will I be happy with the way I look?  Will I be able to look back and see the girl I was, and the girl I am now and be proud of the changes that I wrought in this body?

Sometimes, it's not for me...

Last Saturday, I was drag-ass tired.  I mean, I haven't been sleeping so hot.  I was up early, I was in bed late, I haven't been sleeping through the night.  I was so tired that I didn't exercise like I normally do on Saturday mornings.  It's been my most constant day to exercise and I can't remember the last time I missed it.  But, last Saturday I did.  And, I seriously considered not going to my Weight Watchers meeting.  Mostly because I was tired, and hadn't exercised, and was tired, and didn't really know what to expect at a weigh-in.  

But, I went.  Whether it's routine, or not, I just felt that it would have been wrong to miss.  So, I went.  And I sat and I listened.  I raised my hand, I talked.  Then, my Leader singled me out a bit.  She said she knew I'd had quite a bit of success on my plan.  How much have you lost?  I gave her a bit of a, sly look, like c'mon.  I wasn't going to talk about me today.  But, I answered.  Almost 60 pounds I said.  Then, she did the same to someone else.

After the meeting was over, the lady sitting next to me, turned and asked me about the weight I had lost.  How long had it taken me?  It's not fast.  It's healthy.  It really is about slowly changing your lifestyle.  Changing the way you think about food and exercise.  It's taken me over a year to lose 60 lbs (almost), I told her.  I'm hoping by the start of 2014, I'll be at my goal weight, since I still have 45 left to go.  She seemed somewhat relieved. As if she had been in a bit of a funk, since the weight wasn't just falling off, but coming off slowly.  I told her about my year - my downs, my ups, my slow but steady loss.

After I left, I felt like I knew the reason I was supposed to be there at Weight Watchers.  Last weekend wasn't for me.  It was for another woman that needed reassurance and strength to make her own decisions on how she feels about her weight loss.  Whether I helped her or not, I'll probably never know.  But, I felt good being able to at least let her know, that it's not fast, and it's not easy, but my God, is it worth the work.  It's like a favorite quote of mine, "It's the hard the makes it great.  If it was easy, everybody'd do it."